PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – A lot has happened in the life of Kim Jong-un in the past two years. The son of the late Kim Jong-il went from relative obscurity to supreme leader of North Korea after his father’s death in December of 2011.
Since then, he has tested the patience of the world by defiantly moving forward with rocket launches thought to be part of a threatening long-range missile program. And of course, for the third time this month he has been seen cavorting around in public with an unknown female companion, sparking the curiosity of a world hungry for gossip.
As if a new woman by his side isn’t enough, today Kim was also awarded the highest military rank of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK). The announcement was made by the Korean Central News Agency, the state’s official TV network. The new ‘Marshal’ of North Korea was ready to address a crowd of thousands within 30 minutes of the broadcast.
Since then, he has tested the patience of the world by defiantly moving forward with rocket launches thought to be part of a threatening long-range missile program. And of course, for the third time this month he has been seen cavorting around in public with an unknown female companion, sparking the curiosity of a world hungry for gossip.
As if a new woman by his side isn’t enough, today Kim was also awarded the highest military rank of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK). The announcement was made by the Korean Central News Agency, the state’s official TV network. The new ‘Marshal’ of North Korea was ready to address a crowd of thousands within 30 minutes of the broadcast.
“There’s a new sheriff, I mean, marshal in town,” he began as the sea of people waved tiny national flags. “My first order of business is to display the courage and might of this great land. I will tempt fate and risk death to become a human canon ball.”
Kim went on to unveil a plan involving a custom-built two ton cannon designed to shoot a human being up to a distance of 500 yards. Officials reported that Kim and his stunt crew will enter the demilitarized zone at the 38th parallel and point the ‘weapon’ toward South Korea as an intimidation technique.
An unreleased promotional flyer obtained exclusively by Trust My News shows that Kim will be dressed for the occasion, sporting a white jumpsuit with red stars across the chest and pant legs. He will take in his view of the flight from behind reflective green Oakley ski goggles, as well.
If he goes through with it, extreme sports experts say the result could be disastrous.
“If he gets shot out, there is no doubt in my mind he’ll eat it hard,” said Rocko ‘The Bullet’ Smith, a veteran cannonballer of 15 years. “We may see a big mess.”
President Obama also weighed in on the upcoming spectacle. “Who knows what this guy is thinking. I’d like to get a front row seat to this one.”
When questioned in an interview with state TV about what would happen if he landed safely across the border, Kim looked a little puzzled. He recovered within seconds, however, and replied, “I’ll proudly take a bow and then unleash my wrath.”
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